For the love of bikes

Everyone.
Batten down the hatches.
Flee your cities.
Hide in your basements.
Pray to the lord.
Eat some cake.
Do anything to save yourselves.

Why?

'Cause I'm hulking out. That's why.

IT'S THE OVEN, GUYS.
MY OVEN IS BROKEN.

Yeah. It's pretty devastating news... means no cake, cupcakes, brownies, biscuits.
Nothin'.
Zilch. Zeeeroo.

Looks like I'm going to be making best friends with no-bake recipes for the foreseeable future.
But hey, I ain't complaining (much), 'cause look what fell into my vintage-lovin' hands this week!

Guys... meet Bluebell.
Okay, she didn't fall into my hands. I kinda leapt onto her..
We went round to chez-Grandparents for an afternoon in the sun, they opened up the blind and BAM.
There she was. Gleamin', beamin', beautiful.

I just had to take her out for a spin. Dad bought Bluebell about a month ago, and being the crazy bike enthusiast that he is (well, everyone's gotta have a hobby) he gave her a wash, bought her a new basket and voilà!
Bluebell was born.

And just in time for the Velo Vintage!

Yep, I'm taking part this year with Father Shiner and he's going to look a little something like this...

How embarrassing.
Give Granfy's bike back!
You rascal.

And if this all wasn't enough, Nana rubbed her working oven and baking prowess scrumptiously in my face.
Cream tea anyone?

Cheddar scones for Father, of course. Being a fiend for savoury an'all.

How terribly British. What, what?

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4 down, 1 to go...

Awright. Let's talk...

Let's talk about stress.

Ohmygod brain, please, let's not.

No. Stop it. We've got to.

Okay.

SO, as all of you know right now, the exam period has come thick and fast.
Literally fast.
Thick in the sense that most exams are meaty, 2 hour long nerve-filled tension-fests where you write and write like you've never written before.

The handwriting in these essays is slack, my friends. Slack.

But the stress? You can literally smell it. It smells like fear. And invigilator perfume.
Nice.

Oh, and did I mention the hand cramp? 

Me: Must... keep... writing... about... Frankenstein...

Hand Muscles: ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY. Drop the pen. Drop it.

My talking hands don't help my stress levels.

Did I seriously just start talking to you about talking hands?

Yeah... um can we gloss over that? Together? That would be fabulous.

As you can tell. Stress gets to me a number of different ways. And sometimes kind of seriously.

1) I get headaches

2) I cry

3) I eat

4) I cry some more

5) my stomach goes into a crazy spasm thing.. (overshare? Okay. Sorry. We're just such good friends.)

I know it's stupid. But hand cramps haunt me. 

So, how do I combat this terrifying beast? Well, I tackle number 3 off my list.

I feed myself. Feed my soul.

Cinnamon and chocolate flapjack? Check and check.

If I can give any of you a teeny bit of advice this exam season. Don't you dare starve yo'self.
Whatever you do.

2 reasons :

1) Your stomach will rumble. And in a silent exam room where everyone's trying to secure their futures? Kinda embarrassing.

2) Life's too flapjackin' short. You'll work it off later. Did you know thinking burns calories? Looks like I'm going to have 2.

Chocolate Flapjack with a splash o'Cinnamon
Makes about 30 pieces (depends how famished you are.)

Ingredients
85g granulated sugar
175g unsalted butter
3tbsp golden syrup
340g porridge oats
100g dark chocolate (70% cocoa solids)
Cinnamon

Method
Preheat the oven to 190 degrees and line a 20x30cm baking tin
Gently melt the sugar, butter and syrup together, stir until combined
Once melted, remove from heat, add the oats and stir well until the oats are completely coated
Stir in the chocolate (it'll melt. total yumville)
Stir in generous amounts of cinnamon to your taste
Tip the mixture into the prepared tin, and press in evenly and firmly with the back of a spoon
Bake for about 18 minutes until is smells divine and has turned golden brown
Leave in the tin, to cool

P.S.
My brother was also having a nerve-wrecking time doing his final clarinet recital to end his course at The Royal Academy of Music yesterday.
Joe, these are for you. I bet you were amazeballs. Enjoy! xx

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The Sunday Roast

Hi. It's totally me again.

Thought you'd got rid of me for another week? Well yah. You did.
I bet it was stupidly lonely and laugh-less though...
Am I right, or am I right?

1) Hug me. It's Monday tomorrow.

2) I've been muchin' on these. All week. Revision makes me so huuuungreh.

3) In case you were wondering, (which I know you always do) exams are actually going kinda well right now. It's completely my excuse for not baking a whole lot this week... but hey, what's a gurl to do? Gotta get ma grades. Then I can make all the friggin' delicious browniez I like.

And for all of you out there taking exams at the moment, you're going to relate to this.
I really do apologise for bringing up all the pain/hand cramps/oh-my-god-I'm-a-failure-crying-fits, but here is my week in photos.
Hey, don't look like that... you never know, it might cheer you up. Might.

4) Understatement of the year, I feel.

5) I am super proud of my colourful French tense revision. Took ages. Bloody ages.
So worth it.

6) "I am malicious because I am miserable." -   Huh. I feel ya there, buddy.

7) SO MUCH COLOUR. CAN'T. HANDLE. IT.

8) A sharpie jug will save your life. I'm not even kidding - the blue one's my fave.

9) Staedtler coloured fineliners. Makin' revision bearable since 1835.

(yeah, I Wikipedia'd Staedtler's founding date. Don't judge. I've memorised a stooooopid amount of Frankenstein quotes this week.)

10) I just love random acts of kindness. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally cliché, but it's true. And look what turned up out of the blue the other day...

Isn't it gorgeous! And inside? A beautiful pair of pearl earrings - a good luck present from a family friend.
It took me completely by surprise, and actually really moved me... just shows, it's worth the effort to make someone smile.

11) Look at this, what do you see? (Other than those damned revision plans):

I totally know what you're thinking...
"Is that Eurovision I see printed in beautiful handwriting and in an exclamatory form - therefore signalling it's importance?"
Well, yes. Yes, you do.

For me, Eurovision takes pride of place on my timetable, because it's the highlight of my year. Serious.
I made these to take to Harry's. We watch it every year. It's a tradish.
Don't believe the hype? Don't know what Eurovision is? Firstly : What is wrong with you. Secondly : Google it. You will not be disappointed.
Here is the winner from this year's competition! I bet on her to win. Harry lost. He predicted Germany. Pfft. Eurovision amateur right there.  

12) I made smoothie!! It was pretty scrum. Though, kinda needs an iddy biddy bit a'tweakin'.
Jus'saying. They're a great revision snack. In between the crying fits.

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The Sunday Roast

Bonsoir everyone! (yeah, I'm getting ready for my French speaking exam. Which, ahem, is on Tuesday. Oh my,my,my,my,my,my,my,my,my...)

Brace yourselves. I'm going to do something different right now.

I know, I know... what's going on? I'm mixing it up. Big style.

So here it is guys. My new initiative! It's a little bit more personal than just a recipe, and I've taken inspiration from other blogs who do similar things to this.
I'm pretty excited about it! It just means you kinda, get to know me more and hopefully, I might get to know you more.
Plus, I'll be keeping up my 'one-post-every-week' mantra. Which, I understand has been a bit, well, rubbish recently.
Stoooopid exams. Stoooopid revision. Stoooopid everything.

And the title? Well, I think 'The Sunday Roast' is quite an apt name
Roasting the previous week and whatnot. Always with lashings of gravy. Always.

So, lets get this show on the road, shall we?

This could either prove, or spectacularly shatter any illusions that I'm a really boring person.

Let's do this.

1) Oh. HELLO. What are those two beautiful photos up deeeerrr? Well, they're my Granfy's birthday cakes! Yeah.. he's easily pleased.

"How about a Frangipane tart Granfy?"
"Coffee and walnut?"
"No thanks Jess. I just like a good ol'cupcake."
Literally. What? He's like, the easiest customer. Ever. Every family needs a Granfy.

And I KNOW, it seems like I'm stuck ridin' on the Birthday Bake Bus. It's a rut. But I'll totally get off. Soon. Spontaneously. Probably in Scotland.

Anyway, I think Granfy enjoyed the cakes. Bless.

2) Ahem. Uh. On the subject of Birthdays... uh. well. uhm. This is a little awkward but, uh...

I'VE RECENTLY TURNED 17. OH MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
17 sounds so much older than 16 doesn't it?!
Don't worry. I totally understand that you didn't get me a card or anything.
I'm not bitter. Nope. Not me. At all.

3) Oh, my. Is that the rumbling of an engine I hear in the distance? The unmistakable rumbling of a blue 2005 Vauxhall Corsa to be precise. DATS RIGHT. I'M CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'. YE-AH.

Oh look at us. I have been personally designated as Harry's chauffeur for the foreseeable future.

Of course, I'll have to learn to drive first... DETAILS, DETAILS.
I don't even care. I have a car. The 'L' plates are on. Let's tear up the tarmac.

4)  You know those things that just kinda.. make your tummy feel all warm and fuzzy inside? I get that a lot. Because a lot of things make me happy. But nothing really makes me happier than when someone puts the time aside to bake something special. Just for you. And this year, on my Birthday, I was lucky enough for people to do just that.

First off : Mumma Shiner. Y'know, if you saw us together you'd know instantly that we were mother and daughter. We look the same. Talk the same. Laugh at the same things. I think it freaks people out sometimes.

But, very much unlike me, Mumma very much dislikes baking. I know. Crazy. I guess the cakey gene skipped a generation.
But this year was different, AND LOOK AT WHAT SHE MADE. Teaming up with my Nana, the two of them made this beautiful thing for my Birthday! I saw it. I melted. I had 1... 2 pieces. Okay 3.
But oh sweet Mary Berry was it amazing. Looks like the cakey gene didn't skip a generation after all.

Ohmigod. Don't these look delish? It's cause they were. My wonderful friend Jamie (who makes the best Turkey burgers and wasabi sauce. Like, ever) very kindly thrust this exciting looking tin into my hands. Oh my word. I tell you. Brownie cupcakes? I was not disappointed. And nor were hungry lunch-timers. 

Okay, so. Hands up. Who loves mini things?

ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!
Literally, puppies. Sausage rolls. Frogs. Teeny weeny tiny cakes. LIKE THESE ONES.
Oh goodness. Don't they just make your heart melt?
And not only that...

They were jam-packed into a cake tin. All for me!!

Absolutely gorgeous. And truly delicious. I really envy the baking abilities of my friend Rosie.
She can just look at flour, sugar and eggs and it turns into something beautiful.

And here is the lovely lady herself! Thank you so much Rosie. You really do look dazzling in that tiara.

And last, but by absolutely no means least. These absolutely adorable butterfly cakes made by the gorgeous Jenny (the studious looking one in the red top). Not only were these superbly light, they even had a little glazing of jam underneath the butter cream! Jenny said she wanted to recreate my favourite cake (Victoria sponge) but in miniature! She knows me so, so well.

5) HOLD UP GUYS. The Great British Bake Off won a BAFTA tonight!! Mel and Sue never looked so happy. No sign of Benedict Cumberbatch though. Sad.

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Cookies and Cream Fudge Oreo Brownies. (aw, yeah.)

Oh my goodness, guys. Congratulations.

No. Seriously. If I could, I'd give you a massive bear hug right now.
You've made it through another week.
And even though you've probably suffered some bumps and bruises along the way (metaphorically of course. However, if it applies to you literally, I wanna know what happened. You obviously had a crazier week than me.) it's finally Friday evening. And you're alive.

Go and get yourself a cup of tea. You so deserve it.

The weeks seem to be whoosing past us at a pretty unnerving rate, right now, don't they?

In fact, their whooshing has been so fast, that I'm all disorientated. And I completely forget what time it is, what day it is, even what month it is.

Marty Mcfly. I know how you feel. I've got your back.

Unfortunately though, not everyone's problems can be solved with a flux capacitor.
Even if you have it on a t-shirt.
Though... I wouldn't mind a beat up DeLorean. That would be kinda cool.

And if you're at school/college right now, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say:
"okay, you lot. These next couple of months are the most important months of your lives..."

Let's face it. They say it every year. But I guess it still matters.

For those who haven't quite cottoned on yet?
It's code. It's school code. It's school code for "This shizz is serious. Get your game-face on. It's exam time."

And in amongst all the revision, staying late after school, doing homework, re-doing homework (worst. thing. ever.) it gets pretty darn difficult to find time for yourself, for your friends, for a book, for a bake.

And, well, these brownies are a kinda great excuse for making up for lost time.
For having a break in between writing an essay on Frankenstein, and doing French grammar.
Or for inviting a friend over, having a baking afternoon. Feeling great 'cause you've already finished writing about  Shakespeare's Original Performance Conditions.

And c'mon. They have oreos in them.
Surely you're just sold on that, right? Yeah. I know you.

My situation was a little different, however. I've been making this recipe for god knows how long, and I've been desperately wanting to share it!
I baked this for a meeting at school. Cake was demanded. Brownies of epic proportions were delivered.

I don't think anyone complained.

Fudge-y. Goo-ey. Oreo-y. Nom. Nom. Nom.

Please, for me. If you do anything for yourself this weekend. Let it be setting the time aside to bake these little beauties. You owe it to yourself.
(and if you want my honest opinion, I'm sure ol'Billy Shakespeare will let you off.)

 P.S. just a big wave and hello to Jenni, Elizabeth, Jenny, Agnes, Katie, Harry, Tom and all the other wonderful people munching on these at the meeting this week. Your support is amazing and I have a feeling the next school year is going to be a good'un! :) mwah. x

P.P.S. if you're not following me on twitter yet. Where have you been? Haven't you heard? I'm technological now! x

Makes 19 bite size pieces. (means I'll be having 4, then.)
Ingredients
165g butter
200g dark chocolate, (about 70% cocoa solids works best) finely chopped
3 free-range eggs
2 free-range egg yolks
2tsp vanilla extract
165g soft, light brown sugar
2tbsp plain flour
1tbsp cocoa powder
pinch salt
154g pack of oreos, broken into quarters

Method
Preheat the oven to 180 degrees
Grease and line a 20cm/8in square baking/brownie tin
Melt the butter in a pan over a medium heat
When melted, remove from the heat and add the chocolate, leave to stand until the chocolate melts, then stir together
Whisk egg yolks, eggs and vanilla together in a large bowl until it gets light and fluffy
Add the sugar in two additions, whisking between each (when adding the sugar, make sure you pour it around the side of the egg mixture, so as not to knock the air out)
Keep whisking on a high speed until the mixture becomes thicker
Then, pour the chocolate into it, again around the sides
Add the cocoa powder, flour salt and 1/3 of the biscuits
Mix together until combined (you really start the smell the chocolate at this point. Deeeee-lish)
Spoon the mixture into your lined pan
Plop the remaining pieces of biscuit on the top of the mixture and press in slightly
Bake on the middle shelf of your oven for about 25-30 mins
The middle should be still goo-ey.
Leave to cool.

Salivating yet? You should be. x

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Analogies and Cinnamon Cookie Cakes of Deliciousness

Can we start with an analogy here?

I like analogies. They're sorta, your own tiny little parable, right? Always with a cute meaning at the end.
Sometimes. Most times.

And that is why we're beginning with one.

Do you like analogies?
Oh, you do? Fab.

O.K. Let's go.

So, I kinda hate being late. You know, just anywhere.
I'm pretty conscious about getting places on time, be that a train/bus/spinning session (yeah, really.) or anything that involves me looking like a complete and utter stupid-person when I finally turn up.
Like running between platforms,
or shaking my fist at the bus driver as he smugly chugs into the distance,
or trudging in reluctantly and getting the last bike left. Which is always that damned wobbly one.

But the worst, for me, is being late at school.
I mean. Being in 6th form, it's not such a scary prospect now but...
Ugh. You get my drift.

(guys, bear with me. I am totally going somewhere with this.)

You know the feeling, when the bell has long gone, and you're huffing and puffing your way through school, knowing that somewhere, there is a very quiet class and an even quieter teacher (they're always the worst) waiting for you with a stony, you're-going-to-die-because-you're-late-to-my-lesson sort of glare on their face.
And you're still running. Kinda sweating a little with fear and a need-to-go-to-gym-more mentality. Maybe if you just slink in quietly, nobody will notice?

What a joke.

You get to the door, deep breaths.
You peep your head around the side (you may have got the wrong classroom, happens to everyone)
and walk in. The personification of humiliation. With added beetroot face.

And that, my friends, is how I'm feeling right now.

Picture it.

Me. Red. Sweating. Humiliated... (okay. don't. please.)

But, why? Well, because I haven't kept to my one post a week rule.
I am that late student.
Give me as many detentions as you wish.
I am truly sorry.

But, I have made you these.
As a make-up kinda present.

I've named them 'Cookie Cakes' because I changed the original recipe and added muscovado sugar, just to give it that wholesome, hearty-cookie sorta edge.
And the almond milk? Well... I didn't have any vanilla essence on me.
Are you cool with that?

I think you'll like them.

P.S. The original recipe is in cups. I've done some rough conversions, so they may not be completely exact. Bear that in mind, my lovelies! 

Ingredients

2 cups/256g plain flour

2 teaspoons bicarb of soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger 

6oz/170g unsalted butter, softened

11/4 cups/275g muscovado sugar

1 teaspoon almond milk

1 large egg

handful (or 2.. or 3) chocolate chips (optional)
handful (or 2.. or 3) chopped almonds (optional)

Method

Preheat oven to 180 degrees and line two baking trays with greaseproof paper

In a bowl, whisk/mix together the flour, baking soda, salt cinnamon and ginger

Beat the sugar and butter in a separate bowl until light and fluffy

And egg and almond milk, beat again

Add the previously mixed together dry ingredients at once, and beat slowly until it forms a dough

Drop the dough in tablespoon size balls onto the paper
Bake for about 10 minutes, or until browning

Cool on the pan for 5 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack

[adapted from Joy The Baker- she is amazing!)

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Marbled With Love.

I want to take this time to ask one simple question first.
Just to give me some peace of mind, and to reassure myself that I am not actually an alien, or a Geordie Shore cast member, or something...
Did anyone else realise that the clocks went forward today?

I didn't. And it was a shock to the system.
There I was, snuggled like a little caterpillar in my bed. No rush.
10:30am... yeah. I still got time.
'JESS. NANA AND GRANFY ARE HERE!'
What the.. ?!!?!?!?!

Turns out. I hadn't changed my clock the night before. It was actually 11:30. And my fam had arrived in all their Easter-Egg-bearing glory, and I was still in my jammies...
Daylight savings. You rascal.

Despite that one (rather embarrassing) occasion... I like to think I'm kinda good at remembering things.
Like an elephant.
They have good memories, right? Yeah. I'm an elephant.

So when it comes to birthdays, I reckon I'm pretty much on that.
Okay, so remembering your friends' birthdays is a given. Yeah?
Well no. It's not.
There are people who check their facebooks. Just in case.
I know who you are.
And in a lot of cases, birthdays just kind of... come and go. People don't really want a fuss.
But I like love making a fuss. People secretly love being fussed about. They do.
And when I say 'people', I mean my friends.
My wonderful, crazy, cake-eating, instagram-loving friends.
We make a fuss of each other, even when we say 'ooh noo, it's just another birthday. Don't do anything special! It's not worth it.' - when really, we know we're going to be absolutely BOMBARDED with cake.
Because that's what we do on a birthday.. We bake and bake and bake, until there's cake on the floor, cake in our hands, cake round our mouths, and at least 50 new photos on everyone's instagram accounts.
I love it so much!

This latest Birthday Gift Extravaganza was for my really close friend, Sunny.
Let's talk about Sunny.
She's the kind of girl who can just do everything,
she can cook, bake, take a good photo, do maths...
And thanks to her, I've now found somewhere to buy pumpkin pie filling!
(Tesco have this new American grocery section which makes me so happy)

So what do you give a girl who does all that, for her birthday?

Well, you make a heart shaped marble cake,
put it on a miniature cake plate,
and wrap it in spotty cellophane with beautiful pink ribbon.
Duh!

Making a fuss is totally worth it. Especially when you get a smile at the end. :)
Oh.. and an instagram picture on Sunny's account.
If that's not appreciation. I don't know what is.


N.B - I'm just going to give you the recipe for a whole cake. Is that okay?
Cause of course, my heart-shaped tin was really small so I made cupcakes with the rest of my mixture.
Experiment with it!
Makes 1 Batch of Chocolate Chip and Vanilla Marble Cake Mixture
Ingredients
225g soft margarine
225g caster sugar
275g self-raising flour
2tsp baking powder
4eggs
2tbsp milk
1/2 tsp vanilla essence
1 1/2 tbsp cocoa
2tbsp of hot water
50g plain chocolate chips

Method
Preheat the oven to 180 degress
Grease and line a 30x23cm cake tin
Measure the margarine, sugar, flour, baking powder, eggs, milk and vanilla essence into a large bowl and beat well until blended
Spoon half the mixture into the prepared tin, but blob the spoonfuls apart
In another bowl, blend the cocoa and hot water and add it to the remaining mixture with the chocolate chips
Spoon mixture in between the blobs of vanilla mixture to fill the gaps
Bake for about 35-40 minutes, or until a skewer comes out clean
leave to cool and enjoy!!

[recipe taken from Mary Berry's Ultimate Cake Book, cake tin from Kitchenmonger]

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